Why I never had a date until I was 16 1/2- Part One

Reason #1

When I was in the fifth grade, we moved to this neighborhood where I met my "dream boy". His name was Glynn Futch. Yeah, I know! Anyway, I had this huge crush on him, but he was always "going steady" with someone more worldy-wise than me. That summer, he had been going steady with a girl named Lisa, who was prone to wearing short-shorts and tube-tops, but they suddenly broke up.

My friend, who lived nearby, knew that I had this crush so she dedcided to tell him. Well, not long after that, he approached me and asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. At first, I felt like my tongue had swolen and I couldn't talk.

Finally, I sputtered, "Yes!"

He looked at me with a big grin. Then he said, "Okay. Now that you're my girlfriend, you have to kiss me."

I hadn't banked on that!

I said, "No, I won't kiss you!"
He said, "Oh yes you will!"
I said, "Over my dead body!"

At that moment, he lunged for me. What he didn't know was that I was as fast as greased lightning. He chased me all over the neighborhood, but was unable to catch me. At last, I made my way home and escaped. He grossed me out, like totally!

Not long after that, I moved to a new neighborhood. The entire summer passed. Then, I saw him one day at school and he said, "Hey Jennifer! Remember me...Glynn Futch! Are we still going steady?"

I just looked at him like he was crazy! Some people just can't deal with "the one that got away".

Reason #2

When I was in the sixth grade, I had this secret crush on a boy named Jamie Spillers. As usual, there seemed to be a trend in the boy's I liked. They always had girlfriends who were a bit more "experienced" in the boy/girl world. He was going steady with a girl named Dina West.

Somehow, this boy in my class named Randy figured out that I liked Jamie. (*Note: Randy's claim to fame was that he could immitate a grunting, gyrating Elvis to a tee.) So, he decided to tell him. Well, I was sitting on a bench at recess, minding my own business, when Jamie walks up. He says, "I heard you like me. I'm really sorry cause your're a really nice girl, but I'm going steady with Dina right now. No hard feelings, right?"

I just stared at him in dumbfounded shock.

I said, "Who told you that I liked you?"
He said, "Randy White."
I said, "He's gonna die!"

All day long, people came up to me and pointed the finger.
"You like Jamie!" they taunted and laughed.

Well, after school, I stopped Randy White on the way to the bus.

I asked him, "Did you tell Jamie Spillers that I like him?"
He replied, "Yes."
I asked him, "Why did you do it?"
He replied, "I don't know."

With that, I proceeded to beat him half to death with my backpack. I beat him until the bus bell rang. I finally let him go and hopped on my bus.

The next day, he informed me through his bruised face that he had missed his bus and everyone was making fun of him because he got beat up by a girl.

He apologized and I forgave him, but my reputation as a loser was pretty much solidified.