Life with Father

Life with Father by Clarence Day is one of my favorite books. The story was written by the son of a Wall Street financier at the turn of the twentieth century. The young man's father was very strict and a bit pig-headed. It typifies the Victorian mentality to the nines! It was also made into a movie. I'll post more info on the movie later.

For your enjoyment, I have written a few of my favorite lines from the book.

(Because father was so difficult, the maids continually quit. One day he decides to go to the agency and hire a maid of his own choice)
Maid Service Proprietor: Sir, before I can let any girl go from this establishment, I must know the character of the home in which she will be employed.

Father: Madam, “I” am the character of my home.

(The family attended church every Sunday except for father. He was always becoming entangled in frustrating situations with the local reverend.)
Rev. Dr. Lloyd: After considerable thought, we voted that our supporting members should each contribute a sum equal to the cost of their pew.

Father: I paid $5,000 for that pew.

Vinnie (mother): Yes, Clare, that makes our contribution $5,000.

Father: That's robbery. Do you know what that pew is worth today? $3,000. That's what the last one sold for. I've taken a dead loss on that pew of $2,000 already. Frank Bags sold me that pew when the market was at its peak. He knew when to get out. And I'm warning you, Vinnie. If the market ever goes up, I'm going to unload that pew!

Rev. Dr. Lloyd: Mrs. Day, your husband is a practical man. We've had to be practical about the new church. We have all the facts and figures.

Father: Oh? What's the property worth where we are now?

Rev. Dr. Lloyd: Oh, let's see. Is it $40,000? I know the figure has a four in it.

Father: What's the new piece of property going to cost you?

Rev. Dr. Lloyd: I think the figure I heard mentioned was $85,000. Or was it $185,000?

Father: Dr. Lloyd, you preach that someday, we'll all have to answer to God.

Rev. Dr. Lloyd: We shall indeed.

Father: Well, I hope God doesn't ask you any questions with figures in them!

(Clarence griping about Vinnie's cousins dropping in for an extended visit)
Vinnie: But Clare, they're just staying in that little room of Clarence's.

Father: The trouble is, they don't stay there. They stay in the bathroom. Every time I want to take a bath, it's full of giggling females washing their hair!

(Clarence Jr. discussing religious music)
Cousin Mary: That's funny. The words are the same, but it's the wrong tune.

Clarence Jr.: Oh, it can't be the wrong tune. We sing it exactly that way in church.

Cousin Mary: We don't sing it that way in the Methodist Church. You see, we're Methodist.

Clarence Jr.: Oh, that's too bad. Oh, I don't mean it's too bad that you're a Methodist. Anybody's got a right to be anything they want, but what I mean is, we're... “Episcopalians”.

(Complaining about his wife's insistence that he go to church)
Father: I don't go to church to be preached at as though I were some lost sheep.

Vinnie: Clare, you don't seem to understand what the Church is for.

Father: Vinnie, if there's one place the Church should leave alone, it's a man's soul!

(Father gripes about his wife's spending habits)

Vinnie: I do the best I can to keep down expenses. You know yourself Cousin Phoebe spends twice as much as we do.

Father: Don't talk to me about your cousin Phoebe.

Vinnie: You talk about your own relatives enough.

Father: That's not fair, Vinnie. When I talk about my relatives, I criticize them.

(Admonishing Clarence Jr. to work hard to earn a living)
Father: Work never hurt anyone. It's good for them. But if you're going to work, work hard. King Solomon had the right idea about work. "Whatever thy hand findest to do," Solomon said, "do thy doggonedest."

(Mother after receiving a gift after father insulted her)
Vinnie: That's the loveliest ring you ever bought me. Now that I have this, you needn't buy me any more rings.

Father: Well, if you don't want anymore ...

Vinnie: What I'd really like now is a nice diamond necklace.